Seeking light

Life went dark this week

I arrived back at Soledad Canyon Monday afternoon. I had waited till the last minute to leave the Ventura County Park because it is peaceful and I am relaxed there. Here at Soledad the only site I could find is almost directly near the fence of the railroad tracks. The site is also uneven so the camper leans to one side. I have never learned how to make it even with boards or fancy contraptions, so for three weeks we will just have to lean to one side.

Entering the camper I found that the duct tape had come loose I had fastened to the fridge to keep it closed since the latch is broken, and a bottle of grape juice had broken and spilled all over the floor of the camper. There was nothing to do but clean the mess up before I could unhitch the trailer from the car. Poor Cat had been in the camper because he can’t stand to travel in the car. I can only imagine what he must have thought. People ask me why I do not give him a real name. Back when I found him crying out in the snow in Tennessee I was not going to keep him so I called him Cat. The name stuck and he is three now.

After I finished cleaning the floor, I went about setting up the camper for the three week stint. My hands have been killing me so I took it slow. I am just physically exhausted that is all there is to it. The wind here in Acton was blowing fiercely and did not help. Having broken down in the morning in Ventura and set up again at Soledad, I took the opportunity to rest a bit after feeding Jas and Cat.

I have to purchase wi-fi here. Thirty-five dollars for the month, and sometimes it does not work. Still, I am cut off from the world if I do not pay for this. I am trying so hard to stay connected. Besides a therapist and doctor this is all that tethers me to the world. I become so depressed sometimes that it becomes difficult to rise from bed in the morning. Further, getting cleaned and dressed for the day is even harder, I mean why? I have no one to see or come in contact with. I am struggling to be an active member of society. In some ways I am not. I am removed as my hair goes gray and my spirit grows dim.

My cell phone was not getting reception so I had to drive into town for a golden retriever appointment. I call my thrapist and psychiatrist that because they retrieve was is golden about about me, or so I believe. I need their connecrion, they tether me to the world. I am doing the best I can, but I need their help.

I am tired of looking around this camper and seeing such disrepair. There also was a terrible shooting in my hometown of Nashville yesterday that depressed me in so many ways. I don’t comprend how someone could hurt others, especially children. I have been thinking of my two fathers also and I guess I need to explain. Both let me know I will never be enough and I am feeling this especially today.

One disinherited me in 2010. I have three other sisters that he included in his Will. All my life I have felt especially set apart. In 2019 I took a DNA test and learned just why. I did have a different father. Unfortunately, my biological father has been no less displeased with me than my birth certificate father. I am to never be enough for either in the end.

So today is Friday and I am trying to work past the feelings from the shooting in Tennessee and just general malaise. I asked my therapist yesterday for a County social worker to hopefully get out of this situation. I have been considering a Go Fund Me account because this camper is falling apart and there are so many thing I need. I have friend who has offered to help me. I feel unworthy and like no one will contribute. If I asked for contributions I will post photos of the conditions I am living under so that I will have some credibility. Just feeling vulnerable and insecure in light of lost lives and desiring hope.